Why do we become so attached to people who don’t exist?
The question sounds absurd until you examine your own history of disappointment. How many times have you mourned the loss of someone who was never actually present? How often have you felt betrayed by people who simply continued being exactly who they always were?
We have this strange capacity to perceive potential as if it were actuality. To relate to what someone could become with the same emotional intensity we should reserve for what someone actually is. To build entire relationships with future versions of people while the present versions keep showing us, with remarkable consistency, that the future version isn’t coming.
The ancient Greek concept of “dynamis” referred to potentiality, the inherent capacity for something to become other than it currently is. An acorn possesses the dynamis of an oak tree. A child possesses the dynamis of an adult. A block of marble possesses the dynamis of Michelangelo’s David.
But potentiality is not actuality. The acorn might never become an oak. The child might never reach adulthood. The marble might remain uncarved. Possessing the capacity for transformation tells us nothing about whether that transformation will occur.
Yet we treat human potential as if it were a promissory note, guaranteed to be honored given sufficient time and support. We see glimpses of someone’s better self and conclude that better self is inevitable, merely delayed. We mistake capacity for trajectory, possibility for probability, what could be for what will be.
Chrysippus argued that humans possess reason, which distinguishes us from other animals. But reason exists in two forms: potential rationality and actualized rationality. Every human has the capacity for wisdom, but most humans never develop that capacity into lived wisdom. The possession of potential doesn’t guarantee its realization.
When you fall in love with someone’s potential, you’re falling in love with something that may never materialize. You’re emotionally investing in a future that exists only in your projection of their possible development. You’re building a relationship with a ghost…
Over 180,000 people now read Stoic Wisdoms, with hundreds of paying subscribers applying these lessons daily. If you haven’t upgraded yet, you can unlock this full post and all Premium content including the Confidence series & Stoic Reflections.
The rest of this essay covers how to distinguish aspiration from actual change, why understanding patterns doesn't equal changing them, the specific behaviors that reveal whether someone is truly transforming, and what clear seeing allows you to do that hope-based delusion prevents.