The Illusion of Control
How to find freedom by releasing your grip on outcomes.
"The more we try to catch hold of the moment, the more elusive it becomes. In the pursuit of happiness, we lose it."
These words from philosopher Alan Watts capture one of life's most profound paradoxes: the tighter we grip, trying to control our circumstances, the more we suffer when things inevitably don't go according to plan.
Watts often used the metaphor of trying to smooth out waves on water by pressing down on them with your hand. The harder you push, the more turbulence you create. This imagery resonated with me deeply... because it so perfectly describes our human tendency to create suffering through our desperate attempts at control.
Watts saw this as the ego’s illusion, a grasping at permanence in a world of flow. The Stoics, from a different lens, recognized a similar consequence: suffering follows when we try to control what isn’t ours to control.
I've noticed this pattern repeatedly in my own life. The days when I cling most tightly to my expectations, about how a meeting should go, how others should behave, even how I should feel, are invariably the days I experience the most frustration and disappointment.
Sound familiar? How often do you find yourself gripping tightly to your expectations, only to feel disappointed when reality takes a different turn?
Our Desperate Need for Control
We humans are control-seeking creatures. From early childhood, we learn that certain actions produce predictable results. Push a button, hear a sound. Cry, and someone comes to help. This cause-and-effect relationship gives us a sense of security and order. As we grow older, this desire for control only intensifies. We create five-year plans, set goals, follow specific diets, and establish routines, all in an attempt to bend the future to our will. And to some extent, this works. Planning and preparation do increase our chances of achieving certain outcomes.
But here's the uncomfortable truth: our control is always limited, always partial, and always temporary.
No matter how carefully we plan, unexpected events will arise. Health issues appear without warning. Relationships change in ways we couldn't predict. Global pandemics disrupt our careers. Economic shifts render our financial plans obsolete. Even on a daily basis, traffic jams delay our commute, colleagues miss deadlines, and technology fails at crucial moments.
The Stoics understood this fundamental reality. Epictetus, a former slave who became one of Stoicism's greatest teachers, opened his manual on living with a profound insight:
"Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing."
This distinction, between what we can and cannot control, is the cornerstone of Stoic philosophy. The Stoics taught that peace comes not from trying to control everything, but from focusing our energy on what we can influence while accepting what we cannot.
Why Seeking Control Backfires
There's a fascinating concept popularized by philosopher Alan Watts called "the backwards law" – the idea that the more we pursue something, the more we push it away.
Think about falling asleep. The harder you try to force yourself to sleep, the more awake you become. Or consider happiness, the more directly you chase it, the more elusive it seems.
Control works the same way. The tighter we grip, trying to force life into our preferred pattern, the more we suffer when things inevitably deviate from our expectations.
Research in psychology confirms this. Studies on anxiety show that attempts to control unwanted thoughts often make those thoughts more persistent. People with control issues frequently report higher levels of stress and dissatisfaction with life.
This is practical reality. Our need for control often creates the very suffering we're trying to avoid.
The Freedom in Surrender
So if control is largely an illusion, what's the alternative? Is it simply giving up, becoming passive in the face of life's challenges?
Not at all. Both Stoicism and Eastern wisdom traditions point to a kind of surrender, though they differ in tone. The Stoics advocate a deliberate, rational acceptance of what lies outside our power. In contrast, Watts spoke of surrender not as a strategy, but as a natural result of seeing through the illusion of control.
Strategic surrender means accepting reality as it is, not as you wish it to be. It means recognizing the limits of your control and working within those limits rather than fighting against them.
Marcus Aurelius, wrote:
"You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
This approach doesn't mean abandoning your goals or shirking responsibility. Rather, it means holding your plans lightly, remaining flexible, and being willing to adapt when circumstances change.
When you surrender the need to control outcomes, several powerful shifts occur:
Reduced anxiety and stress: When you stop fighting against reality, your nervous system can relax.
Increased presence: Instead of constantly projecting into the future, you can engage more fully with the present moment.
Greater resilience: Unexpected changes become opportunities rather than threats.
Improved relationships: You can accept others as they are rather than trying to control their behavior.
Enhanced creativity: A flexible mind can see solutions that a rigid, controlling mindset might miss.
The Art of Alan Watts
Speaking of wisdom that liberates us from the illusion of control...
The Art of Alan Watts offers beautifully crafted products inspired by the teachings of philosopher Alan Watts, whose insights on surrender and letting go have transformed countless lives.
Their collection includes thoughtfully designed posters, art prints, and journals featuring Watts' most profound insights — reminders to flow with life instead of gripping too tightly.
🛒 Explore the full collection at:
👉 https://www.artofalanwatts.com — use code STOIC25 for 25% off your first order
This section is sponsored by The Art of Alan Watts.
Practical Ways to Loosen Your Grip
Recognizing the illusion of control is one thing. Actually changing your relationship with control is another. Here are some practical strategies to help you loosen your grip:
1. Practice the Stoic technique of negative visualization
Deliberately imagine scenarios where your plans don't work out. Ask yourself: "What would I do if this failed?" This mental preparation makes you more adaptable when things don't go as expected.
2. Develop a "Plan B" mindset
Instead of investing everything in one outcome, develop alternative approaches. This flexibility allows you to pivot when necessary without feeling defeated.
3. Focus on process rather than outcomes
Set goals around actions you can take, not results you want to achieve. For example, "I will exercise three times this week" rather than "I will lose two pounds this week."
4. Practice mindful acceptance
When facing a situation you can't change, acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Say to yourself: "This is happening. I can't change it. How can I respond effectively?"
5. Embrace uncertainty as adventure
Train yourself to see unpredictability as interesting rather than threatening. Ask: "What might I discover or learn from this unexpected turn?"
6. Regularly surrender control in small ways
Take a different route to work. Try a restaurant without reading reviews first. Let someone else choose the movie. These small exercises build your comfort with uncertainty.
The Ultimate Paradox
The ultimate paradox of control is this: true power comes not from trying to control everything, but from knowing what you can and cannot influence.
By surrendering our attachment to specific outcomes, we don't become passive – we become more effective. We waste less energy fighting reality and invest more in responding wisely to what is.
As Epictetus said:
"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."
📝 Today's Stoic Gameplan
Identify Your Control Patterns: Take a few minutes to list three situations where you're currently trying to force a specific outcome. Notice how this attempt at control makes you feel.
Practice Acceptance in Motion: Choose one situation from your list and consciously loosen your grip. What aspects can you accept? What remains within your control?
Reframe an "Interruption": The next time your plans are disrupted today, pause before reacting. Can you view this change as an opportunity rather than an obstacle?
Evening Reflection: Before sleep, ask yourself: "Where did I waste energy today trying to control the uncontrollable? Where did I successfully focus on what I could influence?"
Remember, the goal isn't to abandon all attempts at shaping your life. It's to stop fighting against reality and start dancing with it instead.
When we surrender the illusion of control, we don't lose power – we gain freedom.
Stay stoic,
StoicWisdoms
Related posts:
8 Must-Read Books on Stoicism for Personal Growth
10 Books That Made Me Think Differently
5 Life-Changing Lessons from Marcus Aurelius
How to Take Action When You Don't Feel Like It
Phenomenal read. Restacked! Thank you for helping me focus on my mindset to start my day. https://substack.com/@liamdarmody1/note/c-117052225?r=2ne6t9&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Love this. Really insightful and applicable to all.