Giving Yourself Permission to Change
Why letting go of your past identity might be the key to becoming who you truly want to be.
"I can't do that. That's just not who I am."
I used to say this all the time. For years, I identified as someone who was terrible at public speaking. The thought of standing in front of a crowd made my heart race. I'd avoid any opportunity that might put me in that position. I remember one particular day in my final year of high school. Our teacher had assigned end-of-semester presentations, but with a twist. There was no predetermined order. We were simply told to stand up and present when we felt ready. The idea was to encourage initiative, but for me, it was pure torture.
As I sat there watching other students confidently walk to the front of the room, I felt my anxiety building. My notes were prepared, my slides were ready, but my mind kept racing with negative thoughts. What if I stumbled over my words? What if everyone thought my project was stupid? What if I completely blanked out midway?
Ten minutes passed. Then twenty. I kept telling myself "just one more person, then I'll go" but after each presentation, I found another reason to wait. I was clinging to my identity as "the person who's bad at public speaking," using it as a shield to avoid the discomfort of challenging that belief. But then I realized that with each passing minute, my anxiety wasn't decreasing. It was growing. Waiting wasn't helping. In that moment, I made a decision that felt almost out of character: I stood up.
Walking to the front of the class, I felt like every eye was judging me. My hands trembled as I connected my laptop. My first few sentences came out shaky, and I was convinced I was making a complete mess of it. I rushed through some parts too quickly and fumbled with my slides. In my mind, it was a disaster.
But when I finished and returned to my seat, something unexpected happened. Several classmates turned around and complimented me. During the break, two people came up to tell me they thought my presentation was one of the best. One even asked for my notes because they found my approach to the project so interesting.
That day changed something fundamental for me. It made me question, what other limitations had I placed on myself simply because I decided "that's not who I am"?
Have you ever noticed how we create these rigid identities for ourselves? We decide we're "not a morning person" or "not good with money" or "not the athletic type" – and then we live within these self-imposed boundaries.
What if these limitations aren't really who we are, but just who we've convinced ourselves to be?
The Identity Trap
We all have a story about who we are. A narrative we've created about our strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes. Some parts of this identity are helpful and accurate, but others are simply outdated labels we've never bothered to question.
The Stoics understood this human tendency to cling to fixed identities. Seneca wrote that "we suffer more often in imagination than in reality". Much of our suffering comes from the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we're capable of.
These identity stories become self-fulfilling prophecies:
"I'm not good at math" leads to avoiding financial decisions
"I'm always late" becomes an excuse not to try being punctual
"I'm not creative" prevents you from trying artistic pursuits
"I can't control my temper" justifies continued angry outbursts
We become trapped by our own definitions, and as the years pass, these identities calcify until they feel like immutable truths rather than choices.
The Stoic Approach to Identity
The Stoics viewed personal identity not as fixed but as dynamic and changeable through conscious effort and rational choice. Marcus Aurelius wrote in his Meditations: "You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
This perspective offers liberation. If our identities are largely mental constructs, then we have the power to reshape them.
Epictetus taught that we should focus on what we can control. Our self-perception is largely within our control. He encouraged his students to see themselves as works in progress rather than finished products.
When we embrace this fluid view of identity, we give ourselves permission to evolve beyond our self-imposed limitations.
Signs You're Clinging to an Outdated Identity
How do you know if you're holding onto an identity that no longer serves you? Watch for these signs:
Using absolutes about yourself: "I always," "I never," "I'm just not the type who..."
Avoiding certain situations: Steering clear of circumstances that challenge your self-perception
Dismissing evidence that contradicts your self-image: "That success was just luck" or "Anyone could have done that"
Living based on past mistakes: "I failed at this ten years ago, so I shouldn't try again"
Making decisions based on who you think you are: "Someone like me wouldn't do that"
If these sound familiar, you might be ready for a change.
How to Give Yourself Permission to Change
1. Question Your Stories
The first step is to become aware of the narratives you've created about yourself. Pay attention when you use phrases like "I'm not good at..." or "I could never..." These are clues pointing to your self-limiting beliefs.
Ask yourself:
Where did this belief come from?
Is it based on evidence or assumption?
How old was I when I decided this was true?
What evidence might contradict this belief?
Often, our most limiting identities were formed during childhood or adolescence – times when our understanding of ourselves and the world was still developing.
2. Start Small
You don't need to transform overnight. In fact, radical change rarely sticks. Instead, take small actions that slightly contradict your current identity.
If you see yourself as disorganized, don't try to become perfectly organized immediately. Start by keeping just one area of your home tidy. If you believe you're not athletic, don't sign up for a marathon, just go for a 10-minute walk three times a week.
These small wins create cognitive dissonance between your actions and your self-image, gradually forcing your identity to evolve.
3. Use Provisional Identity Statements
Instead of saying "I am" or "I am not," try using language that allows for growth:
"I'm working on becoming more patient"
"I'm developing my public speaking skills"
"I'm learning to manage my finances better"
This shifts your perspective from fixed traits to skills in development.
4. Seek Evidence That Contradicts Your Limiting Beliefs
We tend to notice evidence that confirms our existing beliefs while ignoring contradictory information. Psychologists call this confirmation bias, and it keeps our outdated identities firmly in place.
Challenge yourself to look for evidence that you're more capable than you believe. Keep a journal of times when you acted contrary to your limiting identity, no matter how small.
5. Surround Yourself With Growth-Minded People
We often maintain our identities to fit in with those around us. If your friends and family see you a certain way, it can be difficult to break free from that perception.
Spend time with people who believe in growth and transformation – those who will support your evolution rather than expecting you to remain the same.
The Freedom of Identity Fluidity
When we release rigid ideas about who we are, we open ourselves to new possibilities. We begin to see challenges not as threats to our identity but as opportunities for growth.
After that classroom presentation, I slowly began to rewrite my story. Each time an opportunity to speak up arose, it became a little easier to step forward instead of shrinking back. Rather than automatically avoiding situations where I'd have to speak in front of others, I started challenging myself to actually do it. What was once a source of paralyzing fear gradually transformed into something I'm actively working to develop instead of running away from.
This transformation wasn't just about gaining a new skill. It was about freeing myself from a limitation I had placed on my own potential.
The most powerful permission you can give yourself is the permission to become someone new. Not because your current self is inadequate, but because growth is the natural state of human existence.
As Marcus Aurelius wrote:
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
Your identity is not carved in stone. It's more like clay that you can reshape throughout your life.
📝 Today's Stoic Gameplan
Identify One Label: Write down one limiting identity you've given yourself. Be specific about how this label has restricted your choices or actions.
Challenge the Evidence: Examine the evidence supporting this identity. Then list at least three pieces of contradictory evidence – times when you acted contrary to this label.
Take One Small Action: Choose one small action you can take today that challenges this identity. Make it so small that it feels almost too easy to fail.
Create a New Narrative: Write a short paragraph about yourself that includes the possibility of change in this area. Read it aloud to yourself.
Evening Reflection: Before bed, reflect on how it felt to act against your old identity. Did it feel uncomfortable? Liberating? A mix of both? Journal about what you noticed.
Remember, giving yourself permission to change doesn't mean rejecting who you are. It means expanding your understanding of who you might become.
You aren't locked into being the person you decided you were years ago. Every morning offers a fresh opportunity to redefine yourself, to keep what serves you and release what limits you.
The only permission you need to change is your own.
What's one identity or label you've outgrown or one you're ready to challenge starting today? Share it in the comments ⬇️
Stay stoic,
StoicWisdoms
Related posts:
8 Must-Read Books on Stoicism for Personal Growth
10 Books That Made Me Think Differently
5 Life-Changing Lessons from Marcus Aurelius
How to Take Action When You Don't Feel Like It
love this — the kind of double edge sword that identity can offer. There’s some identities I hold that help me, but there are plenty that hold me back. Definitely need to be better about feeling more fluid with all of them!
Thank you!
I find this is extremely interlinked with mindfulness practice. You sometimes can't even acknowledge the negative identity self-talk you are clinging to until you actually practice mindfulness... The monkey brain is so automatic it's not even there until you give your brain a second to see it... 😂
Then you can start changing the identity!