Why Simply Listening Changes Everything
Learn how being truly present in conversations can transform your relationships and create meaningful connections with others.
For years, I struggled with something that seemed so simple yet felt impossible: truly listening to others.
Having ADHD made it particularly challenging. My mind would race ahead while someone was talking, jumping between different thoughts, making connections they hadn't even mentioned yet. I'd find myself nodding along while actually thinking about something completely different, or worse, interrupting with my own thoughts before they could finish.
I remember countless conversations where friends would share important things with me, and minutes later, I couldn't even recall what they'd said. My attention would drift to a notification, a random thought, or something happening in the background. It was frustrating for everyone involved, and it affected my relationships more than I wanted to admit.
The worst part? I didn't even realize how much I was missing. Sure, I heard the words people were saying, but I wasn't really listening. I wasn't catching the subtle tones in their voice, the emotions behind their words, or the things they were trying to express but couldn't quite say.
It took me a long time to understand that listening isn't just about staying quiet while someone else talks—it's an active practice that requires intention and effort. And for someone with ADHD, it meant developing specific strategies to stay present and engaged.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking about your response before someone's even finished speaking? Or realized you've completely lost track of what someone was saying because your mind wandered off?
You're not alone. Most of us spend our conversations waiting for our turn to speak rather than truly listening.
The Hidden Cost of Poor Listening
Think about the last time someone was clearly not listening to you. Maybe they were checking their phone, interrupting with their own stories, or giving advice you never asked for. How did it make you feel? Probably unimportant, frustrated, or even hurt.
Poor listening damages relationships in ways we don't often realize.
When we fail to truly hear others:
Trust erodes slowly but surely
People share less of what really matters
Misunderstandings become more common
Relationships stay surface-level
Opportunities for deeper connection are missed
Research shows we typically remember only 25% of what we hear. But this isn't just about memory – it's about the quality of our connections. Every time we half-listen, we miss a chance to understand someone better.
Becoming a Better Listening
My breakthrough came when I realized that listening isn't passive - it's an active practice that requires intention and effort. It meant developing strategies to stay present and engaged and creating space to truly hear others instead of just waiting for my turn to speak.
Our minds are constantly processing multiple streams of thought at once. To combat this natural tendency, I use these simple strategies to help me stay focused during conversations:
Put your phone away and out of sight - even face down on the table isn't enough. The mere presence of a phone can make others feel less important.
Feel your feet firmly on the ground when you notice your thoughts wandering. This physical anchor can help bring your attention back to the present moment.
Wait a moment before responding - there's no rush to fill the silence. Often, people will share more if you give them space.
Understanding What People Really Need
One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is that listening isn't one-size-fits-all. Sometimes people want advice or solutions, but most often, they simply need to be heard and understood. When someone is sharing their struggles, we often feel an impulse to solve their problems. Instead, try focusing on creating a space where they feel safe to express themselves fully.
The hardest lesson was learning to recognize what people actually want from a conversation. Sometimes they'll directly ask for advice, but more often, their needs are subtle:
When someone repeatedly brings up the same problem, they're usually not looking for new solutions – they're processing their emotions.
When someone's voice gets quiet or they hesitate before speaking, they're often sharing something that makes them feel vulnerable. These moments need presence, not problem-solving.
When someone's expressing frustration, they usually need validation more than suggestions.
Ask Better Questions
The questions we ask shape the conversations we have. Good questions show we're engaged and help others explore their thoughts more deeply. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, try questions that open up the conversation:
Instead of "Are you okay?" try "How are you handling all of this?"
Instead of "Have you tried...?" try "What approaches have worked best for you so far?"
Instead of "Why don't you...?" try "What do you think would help you feel better?"
These types of questions show you're interested in understanding, not just gathering information or offering solutions.
Reading Body Language and Tone
A big part of listening is picking up on unspoken signals. Pay attention to:
Changes in voice tone - A shift in how someone speaks often signals something important
Body posture - Leaning in, pulling back, crossed arms all tell a story
Eye contact patterns - Looking away during certain topics might indicate discomfort or emotion
Speaking pace - Speeding up or slowing down can signal anxiety or emphasis
These subtle cues often tell us more than words alone.
Show You're Really Listening
Active listening isn't just about staying quiet while others talk. Small signs of engagement can make a huge difference:
Nodding occasionally
Making brief encouraging sounds like "mm-hmm"
Maintaining comfortable eye contact
Using open body language
Reflecting back on what you've heard: "It sounds like..."
Asking clarifying questions
But remember - these need to be genuine. People can tell when you're just going through the motions.
The Power of True Connection
What I've discovered through my journey with active listening is that when people feel truly heard, they're drawn to you in ways you might never expect. It's not about being clever or having the right answers. It's about creating a space where people feel safe to be themselves.
I used to think being a good friend meant solving everyone's problems. I would race to find solutions, interrupting people mid-sentence with what I thought were brilliant fixes to their situations. But I was missing something important: most people don't share their struggles because they want solutions. They share because they need to feel understood.
Building Lasting Trust
The most surprising outcome of becoming a better listener wasn't just that people liked me more – they trusted me more. By holding back on advice and focusing on understanding, I created deeper connections than I ever had before. They started sharing their real thoughts, not just surface-level problems. They opened up about their fears and hopes. Not because I had all the answers, but because they knew I would really listen.
📝 Today's Stoic Gameplan
Notice Your Listening Triggers: When do you find yourself most distracted during conversations? What situations make you want to jump in with solutions? Understanding your patterns is the first step to changing them.
Map Your Conversation Habits: Write down three listening habits you want to change (like checking your phone, interrupting, or giving unwanted advice) and three you want to develop (like asking better questions, staying present, holding space).
Choose One Connection: Pick one important conversation today where you'll practice pure listening. No advice-giving, no story-sharing - just create space for the other person to feel truly heard.
Practice Presence: Each time you notice your mind wandering during conversations today, bring your attention back by focusing on the speaker's words. No judgment, just gentle redirection.
Great listeners aren't born – they're made through practice and patience. Every conversation is a chance to listen better, understand more deeply, and connect more meaningfully. Start small. Choose one conversation tomorrow where you'll practice being fully present.
Remember - the greatest gift you can give someone is your undivided attention. In a world where everyone is fighting to be heard, be the person who truly listens.
Stay stoic,
StoicWisdoms
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Epictetus's Secrets to a Peaceful Mind
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As an audiologist, I love everything about this post. Big difference between hearing and listening which I’ll probably elaborate on in a post one day but this is a beautiful blueprint of considerations to increase connection, presence, and ability to truly listen to another. So many tidbits of knowledge. Most important was being genuine. Don’t over concern yourself with remembering and implementing all the “rules,” focus primarily on just being present and attempting to understand the person you’re talking to. This alone will level up your conversations and experience with others.
Great stuff as always!
Great post, definitely lots of actionable steps and lots to learn from it. Problem solving fires my brain into overdrive and I just want to help. Just listening at that point is very difficult.
Speaking of problem solving, because I can't help myself, check your heading: "Becoming a Better Listening"