When I was a young thing I was agonizing about going to school with a giant zit on my face. My Dad said "Beth no one will notice. They are all too busy worrying about the zits on their faces!". Now I say the same to my teens. Words to live by!
I'll do my best to remember what I've learned here the next time my anxiety rears its head. I've got an interview coming up soon and I'm going to remember to focus on being present rather than imagining all the ways it could go wrong.
Many years ago, nearly fifty actually, I was walking through the business district of my city on my way to the bank. It was about 10 in the morning, and typically busy. Amid the traffic noise and people talking, I became aware of a man standing in an office doorway, singing at the top of his lungs.
He was belting it out, his voice cracking with emotion. As I passed the doorway, I was vaguely aware that it was a youngish well-dressed guy in a smart business suit. He was skipping about, and gyrating his hips in time to the music, and - incongruously - he had a look of absolute terror on his face. Behind him, further into the doorway, was an older guy with a clipboard. Hurrying past on my way to the bank, I thought no more about it.
On my way back a few minutes later, I had completely forgotten about them but recognised them as I passed. They had stepped out of the doorway, and the young guy was smiling broadly, seemingly with relief, as the clipboard guy talked to him. I overheard as I passed:
"You see? Nobody cares! Nobody gave you a second look! They're all too busy with their own shit to pay any attention...."
Obviously some kind of confidence-building exercise for the young guy, who I guess was starting a career in some area of business that requires self-presentation. And he'd passed with flying colours.
Thoroughly enjoyed this read! It’s also very interesting and serendipitous that I stumbled upon this article after just finishing “The Courage to be Disliked” by Kishimi and Koga who describe this same concept as put forth by Alfred Adler – “…If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one’s desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.”
Love this article. “Nobody ‘cares’ about you as much as you think they do.” Is something my wife says all the time.
If I may add one thing - it is important to understand truly WHY we have this anxiety. For me, I actually WAS criticized all the time by my parents, particularly my father. My actions WERE indeed judged and evaluated, usually negatively. This birthed the problem itself and, without addressing the underlying cause, it could be much harder to actually implement this advice.
Cheers!
EDIT: A few examples include the fact that the very act of eating food at the dinner table was frequently criticized. Also, in school, I would be sitting in the library, by myself, reading, and this one bully approached me on multiple occasions and felt the need to make fun of me for the “goofy faces” I would make while reading.
I fully understand your powerful statments. I often agree with most of them.
However, I would like to present some points that I am confused with and somewhat challenge your wonderful ideas:
1. First, as a disabled(mostly visullay impaired), people pay more attention to my behavior. This is due to the fact I have a support cane, while also often wearing either sunglasses or other over-glasses eyewear. It even doubles when I travel abroad, as being Israeli with somewhat Israeli accent is not always pleasant worldwide these days. While these are part of my identity, I can't say people "ignore" it. Particularly when I sourced myself with people without(at least noticable) disabilities(I strongly believe in inclusion).
2. I often hear that "I cannot always do what I want", mainly as a result of official or unofficial rules. It can be laws and what's "appropriate" or what considered "acceptable", "social norme". This ranges from consuming weed and drinking alcohol while driving to hitting people I disagree with or being naked in museums and synagogues. I have to respect both the written and unwritten rules, whether they are social or national based.
3. I also keep hearing that in some cases and situations I have to be "politiclly correct", "play the game" or have some TACT. Especially in environments like work, schools, dealing with government and many other places. It means I cannot say waht's on your mind, I cannot overshare, and I have to "hide" some sensitive information(or not tell anything I know. I have been told it is important to behave like this in order to be hired, appreciated, with good reputation, get money and other rights I dseserve, create fellows rather than enemies. Some "mistakes" could be irreversible , like sending emails to the incorrect contacts, coursing my boss, criticising others and trusting toxic people.
Help me to clarify such issues. You can even send me a DM.
I really think that what I do and how I look less matter than it seems but I have understood it sometimes does.
When I was a young thing I was agonizing about going to school with a giant zit on my face. My Dad said "Beth no one will notice. They are all too busy worrying about the zits on their faces!". Now I say the same to my teens. Words to live by!
I'll do my best to remember what I've learned here the next time my anxiety rears its head. I've got an interview coming up soon and I'm going to remember to focus on being present rather than imagining all the ways it could go wrong.
Excellent.
Many years ago, nearly fifty actually, I was walking through the business district of my city on my way to the bank. It was about 10 in the morning, and typically busy. Amid the traffic noise and people talking, I became aware of a man standing in an office doorway, singing at the top of his lungs.
"She...wore...an...itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini......"
He was belting it out, his voice cracking with emotion. As I passed the doorway, I was vaguely aware that it was a youngish well-dressed guy in a smart business suit. He was skipping about, and gyrating his hips in time to the music, and - incongruously - he had a look of absolute terror on his face. Behind him, further into the doorway, was an older guy with a clipboard. Hurrying past on my way to the bank, I thought no more about it.
On my way back a few minutes later, I had completely forgotten about them but recognised them as I passed. They had stepped out of the doorway, and the young guy was smiling broadly, seemingly with relief, as the clipboard guy talked to him. I overheard as I passed:
"You see? Nobody cares! Nobody gave you a second look! They're all too busy with their own shit to pay any attention...."
Obviously some kind of confidence-building exercise for the young guy, who I guess was starting a career in some area of business that requires self-presentation. And he'd passed with flying colours.
Thoroughly enjoyed this read! It’s also very interesting and serendipitous that I stumbled upon this article after just finishing “The Courage to be Disliked” by Kishimi and Koga who describe this same concept as put forth by Alfred Adler – “…If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one’s desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.”
Love this article. “Nobody ‘cares’ about you as much as you think they do.” Is something my wife says all the time.
If I may add one thing - it is important to understand truly WHY we have this anxiety. For me, I actually WAS criticized all the time by my parents, particularly my father. My actions WERE indeed judged and evaluated, usually negatively. This birthed the problem itself and, without addressing the underlying cause, it could be much harder to actually implement this advice.
Cheers!
EDIT: A few examples include the fact that the very act of eating food at the dinner table was frequently criticized. Also, in school, I would be sitting in the library, by myself, reading, and this one bully approached me on multiple occasions and felt the need to make fun of me for the “goofy faces” I would make while reading.
Very nice text with such important lessons. Thank you!
I fully understand your powerful statments. I often agree with most of them.
However, I would like to present some points that I am confused with and somewhat challenge your wonderful ideas:
1. First, as a disabled(mostly visullay impaired), people pay more attention to my behavior. This is due to the fact I have a support cane, while also often wearing either sunglasses or other over-glasses eyewear. It even doubles when I travel abroad, as being Israeli with somewhat Israeli accent is not always pleasant worldwide these days. While these are part of my identity, I can't say people "ignore" it. Particularly when I sourced myself with people without(at least noticable) disabilities(I strongly believe in inclusion).
2. I often hear that "I cannot always do what I want", mainly as a result of official or unofficial rules. It can be laws and what's "appropriate" or what considered "acceptable", "social norme". This ranges from consuming weed and drinking alcohol while driving to hitting people I disagree with or being naked in museums and synagogues. I have to respect both the written and unwritten rules, whether they are social or national based.
3. I also keep hearing that in some cases and situations I have to be "politiclly correct", "play the game" or have some TACT. Especially in environments like work, schools, dealing with government and many other places. It means I cannot say waht's on your mind, I cannot overshare, and I have to "hide" some sensitive information(or not tell anything I know. I have been told it is important to behave like this in order to be hired, appreciated, with good reputation, get money and other rights I dseserve, create fellows rather than enemies. Some "mistakes" could be irreversible , like sending emails to the incorrect contacts, coursing my boss, criticising others and trusting toxic people.
Help me to clarify such issues. You can even send me a DM.
I really think that what I do and how I look less matter than it seems but I have understood it sometimes does.
Ben
I also have been consistently told to "choose my battles" and "better being smart than right"
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Excellent. Thank you.
It seems that some people are naturally able to be themselves. Perhaps through wisdom but also because they have ‘come in’ with self worth.
Those that are overly concerned about others opinions of them, lose so much time and creativity.
Thanks for this article.
Amazing, I love your text!!! Gratitude for sharing! ❤️
I love this
Really good article 😊👏🏼
Wonderful