Perhaps real freedom isn't about refusing to hear other people's judgments, but knowing where they must stop. Criticism can teach us something about what we've done without earning the right to define who we are. Listening without handing someone else our identity: I think that's where the difference lies.
Beautifully put. Criticism can earn our consideration without earning control. Take the information, examine it honestly, and keep ownership of who you are.
I agree, Antonio, refusing to listen to other's feedback is not freedom, just a different kind of prison. Listening taking it and making our own determination only happens when we trust ourselves, and don't confuse judgment of something specific with judgment of our whole being.
The part about continuing the work for them after they’ve already left really hits. We give other people’s words far more life than they often intended them to have.
This hits hard. What's always been hard for me personally is that I've grasped these concepts for a very long time. However, the actual process of getting to a place where that dial remains internal is hazy and confusing at times.
The words are wise, but what is the process to achieve this state of mind?
How do we simply "shut off" external validation? I know confidence and self-esteem are probably the largest factors that affect the value we place on external analysis of self vs our own self-analysis. I suppose that those are built up differently for different people to a degree but things like exercise, a rich inner world, fulfillment, etc are all vital. Thanks for the article.
I think the mistake is expecting to simply shut external validation off. It’s probably more gradual than that. You start by noticing when you’re seeking it, questioning how much authority you’re giving it, and building more evidence that you can trust your own judgment. Over time the dial moves inward. I’m actually planning to write more about the practical side of this.
This is such an important point. Advice like “stop caring what people think” makes something incredibly difficult sound like a switch we can flip. I think it's closer to a practice: notice the reaction, examine the opinion, decide whether there's anything useful in it, and consciously choose what weight you're going to give it.
“Don't care what anyone thinks” has never seemed wise to me. Sometimes other people see things about us that we need to hear. The real skill is being able to ask, Is there something useful here? Without automatically turning someone's criticism into a verdict on who we are.
Beautiful. One must learn to limit the impact of praise on their pride to keep a limit on the impact of criticism on their pride as well, very well written!
''If the dial is inside, your state responds mainly to your own judgment of how you acted, what you intended, and whether you lived according to your standards. If the dial is outside, anyone passing by can change the temperature.'' I'm going to remember this, thank you!
People have asked me at times, "how much is [insert a person's name or a specific event] paying to rent space inside your head". This is a great explanation of how we let that happen.
I've always liked that phrase. Some people moved out years ago, and we're still letting them live rent-free in the penthouse. Time to change the locks.
Gosto muito da filosofia estoica. Sobretudo a ideia do amor fati. Porque esse elemento aproxima o Estoicismo do realismo e o impede de cair num idealismo.
Other people's opinions are just one set of data points in the life-feedback loop. Just be sure to weight them correctly against your own internal opinions and critiques plus lived experience.
This really made me think about how much power we sometimes give to other people's opinions without even realizing it. The idea that an opinion is not a measurement, but a judgment coming from someone else's limited perspective, is such an important distinction.
I especially liked the idea of the “thermostat.” It made me think about how easily our confidence and mood can become controlled by whatever reaction we receive from other people. Someone can say something in a few seconds, forget about it, and yet we can carry those words around for days.
At the same time, I appreciate that you didn't turn this into “ignore everyone.” Some opinions genuinely deserve our attention, especially when they come from people who know us, care about us, or can see something we haven't noticed in ourselves.
Maybe the real goal isn't to stop listening to other people's opinions, but to stop letting every opinion become a definition of who we are.
We can listen, reflect, learn when necessary, and still return to our own judgment of ourselves. That balance feels like a much healthier kind of confidence.
A really thoughtful piece. I’m glad I came across this.
Perhaps real freedom isn't about refusing to hear other people's judgments, but knowing where they must stop. Criticism can teach us something about what we've done without earning the right to define who we are. Listening without handing someone else our identity: I think that's where the difference lies.
Listening is useful. Letting someone else’s judgment become your identity is where the trouble starts. Really well put Antonio.
Beautifully put. Criticism can earn our consideration without earning control. Take the information, examine it honestly, and keep ownership of who you are.
I agree, Antonio, refusing to listen to other's feedback is not freedom, just a different kind of prison. Listening taking it and making our own determination only happens when we trust ourselves, and don't confuse judgment of something specific with judgment of our whole being.
Great read.
The part about continuing the work for them after they’ve already left really hits. We give other people’s words far more life than they often intended them to have.
That was one of the ideas I most wanted to get across. A remark can last a few seconds, then we keep it alive for hours. Thanks Hadrian.
So true!
This hits hard. What's always been hard for me personally is that I've grasped these concepts for a very long time. However, the actual process of getting to a place where that dial remains internal is hazy and confusing at times.
The words are wise, but what is the process to achieve this state of mind?
How do we simply "shut off" external validation? I know confidence and self-esteem are probably the largest factors that affect the value we place on external analysis of self vs our own self-analysis. I suppose that those are built up differently for different people to a degree but things like exercise, a rich inner world, fulfillment, etc are all vital. Thanks for the article.
I think the mistake is expecting to simply shut external validation off. It’s probably more gradual than that. You start by noticing when you’re seeking it, questioning how much authority you’re giving it, and building more evidence that you can trust your own judgment. Over time the dial moves inward. I’m actually planning to write more about the practical side of this.
This is such an important point. Advice like “stop caring what people think” makes something incredibly difficult sound like a switch we can flip. I think it's closer to a practice: notice the reaction, examine the opinion, decide whether there's anything useful in it, and consciously choose what weight you're going to give it.
“Don't care what anyone thinks” has never seemed wise to me. Sometimes other people see things about us that we need to hear. The real skill is being able to ask, Is there something useful here? Without automatically turning someone's criticism into a verdict on who we are.
Beautiful. One must learn to limit the impact of praise on their pride to keep a limit on the impact of criticism on their pride as well, very well written!
''If the dial is inside, your state responds mainly to your own judgment of how you acted, what you intended, and whether you lived according to your standards. If the dial is outside, anyone passing by can change the temperature.'' I'm going to remember this, thank you!
Well said
It's funny how stoicism taught me to have inner peace with myself, while the Internet see stoicism as being hardcore. Very Ironic and paradoxical.
People have asked me at times, "how much is [insert a person's name or a specific event] paying to rent space inside your head". This is a great explanation of how we let that happen.
Thank you.
I've always liked that phrase. Some people moved out years ago, and we're still letting them live rent-free in the penthouse. Time to change the locks.
Gosto muito da filosofia estoica. Sobretudo a ideia do amor fati. Porque esse elemento aproxima o Estoicismo do realismo e o impede de cair num idealismo.
This is so great….
But can anyone answer my question if I’m to spill it on here
Enjoyed this ❤️
Why listen or pay attention to ignorant people?
Other people's opinions are just one set of data points in the life-feedback loop. Just be sure to weight them correctly against your own internal opinions and critiques plus lived experience.
This really made me think about how much power we sometimes give to other people's opinions without even realizing it. The idea that an opinion is not a measurement, but a judgment coming from someone else's limited perspective, is such an important distinction.
I especially liked the idea of the “thermostat.” It made me think about how easily our confidence and mood can become controlled by whatever reaction we receive from other people. Someone can say something in a few seconds, forget about it, and yet we can carry those words around for days.
At the same time, I appreciate that you didn't turn this into “ignore everyone.” Some opinions genuinely deserve our attention, especially when they come from people who know us, care about us, or can see something we haven't noticed in ourselves.
Maybe the real goal isn't to stop listening to other people's opinions, but to stop letting every opinion become a definition of who we are.
We can listen, reflect, learn when necessary, and still return to our own judgment of ourselves. That balance feels like a much healthier kind of confidence.
A really thoughtful piece. I’m glad I came across this.
So TRUE! can someone do me a favou and make my English better